The Rumor Mill

“Well, don’t tell anyone I told you this, but the other day, I heard something really crazy.”


  • “The new girl? I hear she doesn’t dress down with the others in the locker room. She has one of those conditions. The kissing cousins kind of medical disaster, y’know?”
  • “I heard that she’s a pyro. Burned down her old school. Want to bet she’ll burn this one down, too?”
  • “Psh, you think it was just pyromania? She hacked up her last boyfriend with fire ax beforehand, the school was just burned to hide the evidence!”
  • “I heard that she got in a fistfight with the quarterback. And then they made out afterwards.”
  • “Or was that with the head cheerleader?”
  • “I heard that she burned down the library at midnight and danced naked in front of the flames.”
  • “I heard that she totally burned her name into her last boyfriend’s back. Totally creepy.”
  • “So let me get this straight. That Shannon girl burnt her name into her boyfriend’s back then chopped him up. Then she burnt down the library, danced around it naked, and then disappeared shrieking into the night before the police could apprehend her for any of it?”
  • “A very reliable source told me that Shannon was passing all those rumors about the fire around herself. What a poser!”
  • “What makes you think she got off scott free? The way I hear it, new girl has a rap sheet as long as her arm.”
  • “Check this shit out. I was walking by the losers table at lunch the other day when I heard Shannon talking to that Alex queer. Apparently she believes she killed a vampire. Maybe those rumors are true, man. New girl is fucked up.”
  • “You’ll never believe what I heard from Latisha. She knows a girl who went to Shannon’s old school, right? Rumor has it she didn’t just kill her last ex-boyfriend when he tried to break up with her crazy ass, but she still carries around his severed head. I heard she even talks to it sometimes.”


  • “His dad is actually the school principal and no one’s supposed to know about it.”
  • “I heard he speaks Polari for reasons beyond being an actor. Get what I mean? I’m sayin’ he likes dudes.”
  • “You think he was always a dude? I heard he got a sex change.”
  • “Uh, dude. Alexander Alatza was in my elementary class. He was olive skinned and had blonde hair. I don’t know who the fuck that is, or if it’s even a dude, but you’ve gotta be a psycho to say you’re a local and try to fool everyone.”
  • “Dude, I heard his dad isn’t around ’cause he works on the other side of the curtain if you get me.”
  • “Works the other side of the curtain? Like Ru Paul!?”
  • “I’m not saying that Alex’s dad was aliens but… it was aliens. He is kind of weird and no normal person looks has a body like that.”
  • “You ever wonder why Alex’s mom is so well off despite not having a man to rely on? Well you just have to understand who his dad really is! It is a warm summer evening in Cape Cod and a young tipsy Ms. Alatza is stumbling down the beach with Long Island Ice Tea in hand when who should appear but John F. Kennedy Jr. with his prize winning smile. Nine Months later, the newest Kennedy bastard is hidden from the prying eye of the paparazzi.”
  • “I heard from Susan, who was dating Jack at the time, that Alex keeps his boyish figure because a meal always passes his lips twice. Once going down and once coming up. Totally tragic, y’know?”
  • “Wonder why Margot hates that Alex kid so much? I heard it is because this summer they were an item and he forgot to wrap the chicken before putting it in the ice box, if you catch my drift. Now you know who to thank for Margot’s baby bump.”
  • “His dad? He’s always gone because he works for the commies.”
  • “I hear that Alex always makes sure the locker room is empty before he changes for gym class. Supposedly he doesn’t want people to find out he’s got both sets of plumbing downstairs, if you know what I mean.”


  • “That chick is weird, man. I overheard her talking about how she was supposed to graduate in 1970. I think she just makes stuff up to get attention, y’know?”
  • “What’s her name again? Sunshine or something weird like that? Whatever.”
  • “She dresses like she stole clothes out of my mom’s closet. Maybe she did.”
  • “Her name is Florence, she just did a bunch of bad coke at Stevie’s party, the one where he rented the club ball room in Chicago, and it cooked her brain into some hippy-dippy mess. Wastoid.”
  • “I heard that she watches people when they’re asleep. Like just stares at them. Waiting. Watching.”
  • “I heard that her parents walked out and left her. Totally abandoned her in their house because she’s so unlovable.”
  • “I heard that she totally got high in the middle of study hall.”
  • “I heard that she totally knows where to get the good shit and won’t tell anyone.”
  • “I heard she has cancer, like the really bad fatal stuff, but nobody is willing to tell her yet because her parents don’t have the money to pay for it.”
  • “Cancer? I heard it was AIDs…”
  • “….Wait, who the hell is Rain?”
  • “I heard she was a hooker. Not even kidding here.”
  • “Let’s just say I have it on good authority that our little hippie girl knows what the inside of a straightjacket feels like.”


  • “Wasn’t he was in some accident or something? I heard he had plastic surgery done to fix his face.”
  • “I heard he got his legs replaced by titanium. Or something like that and that’s why he’s still able to play.”
  • “I heard he outdrank the whole rest of the soccer team and half the baseball team at the last party. And could still walk straight.”
  • “Make him bring his own food to parties or buy pizza for everyone or some shit, he ate most of what I’d bought for my last party and no one else got anything.”
  • “I heard that Margot hit him with her car. Man, he’s made of steel or she really can’t drive worth shit.”
  • “I heard that on a bet he jumped into a grave and got buried alive on accident. And then he clawed his way out of the grave again.”
  • “I heard that he totally accidentally broke the backboard in half taking a shot during practice.”
  • “He is going to become the youngest member of the Harlem Globetrotters. Also, the whitest.”
  • “Eddie never backs down from a challenge and once a varsity member of the football team dared him to eat an entire cow’s brain. He ate the brain and the head it came wrapped in before asking for seconds!”
  • “Remember a while back, when Mr. Miller was talking about all the cats going missing on his street? The entire school was sure that Damian was sacrificing them out in the woods, but that’s all bullshit. Eddie was rounding them up to eat, like a Chinese buffet cook or something.
  • “Eddie is secretly the president of the United States.”
  • “Or maybe his son. Who knows.”


  • “He pierces his own skin every time he sleeps with someone, like he’s marking notches on a bed post.”
  • “I heard that they can’t keep magnets in the science lab any more because of him.”
  • “Remember Keith Higginbotham from Mrs. Jackson’s English class and how he used to throw spitballs at him? His girlfriend said that Damian came up after class and whispered something in his ear and a week later he had a nervous breakdown.”
  • “My buddy’s brother’s girlfriend told me, one time, she was cutting class in the parkinglot, the baseball team, they were screwing with Damian, man, just trying to get him to take a swing at one of them, so they could dogpile him, and Damian, just as calm as could be, pulled a nail out of his pocket, and pounded it through his hand, but he didn’t bleed, and Jayden, the star pitcher, just started screaming and holding his hand, and now he can’t play worth a shit and that’s why our team sucks.”
  • “His band? I heard they’re zombies.”
  • “So I heard that he actually brings a thermos of goat blood to school every day. I wonder if he, like, drinks it?”
  • “I’m just saying. Damian and Thorne are six letters and his middle name isn’t on his paperwork. That’s awfully close to 666. I’m just saying dude. I’m just saying.”
  • “You know how Olivia supposedly ran away to go to New York to try to make it big? She didn’t run away. Damian totally ritually sacrificed her in the woods and everyone just thinks she ran away.”
  • “I heard that he can hypnotize people with his singing. Totally mind control or some shit like that.”
  • “You know about those teen killings in Monroe County from a few years back? They happened again in Hamilton County the year after that and the FBI got involved but they couldn’t find anything out? I’m just saying Damian has family all over Illinois and this year the family reunion is in town.”


  • “I heard she only made cheer squad because she threatened to kill the coach.”
  • “Her dad’s a crime boss. Got to be. How else do you think she gets away with so much?”
  • “I heard that she takes baths in the blood of all the girls prettier than she is.”
  • “I heard she’s… well, you know… Canadian.”
  • “I heard she only made cheer squad ’cause she slept with the coach.”
  • “She’s a total psycho. I heard she cornered Jennifer Brown in the girls’ second floor bathroom with a knife ’cause Jennifer was hitting on a guy they both liked.”
  • “I heard she only made cheer squad because she slept with the coach… then ran him over in her car when he was leaving.”
  • “She’s got the top score on the Ms.Pac-Man machine at Gan’s, dude. Swear to god.”
  • “Don’t be fooled by that miss blond and popular act. She’s totally secretly a nerd. and doesn’t want anyone to find out.”
  • “I heard that she helped Damian with some dark ritual or another. That’s why she’s so popular and pretty now. She used to look like a toad, man. Ugliest child you ever saw.”
  • “I heard that she pushed some girl who did better in tryouts than her down the stairs and she broke her leg in three places.”
  • “I heard that her daddy stole all his money from some senile old woman.”
  • “I heard that she had a sister and she totally killed her and took her identity. ’Cause she was jealous.”
  • “Know why she’s such a bitch all the time? Well, even more than usual? Mood swings. She’s totally pregnant.”
  • “If it weren’t for her daddy’s money and expensive spa treatments, Margot would be walking around with a unibrow and more chest hair than the quarterback. She must be part Neanderthal or something.”
  • “I heard she was totally like a black widow, man. Kills and eats her boyfriends after she’s done with them. That’s why you never hear about anyone again who was her ex.”

The Rumor Mill

Teenage Wasteland mostrokol